#9 | Seeing Beyond “Right”: How to Turn Disagreements Into Deeper Connection
Ever notice how quickly a small difference in opinion can turn into a full-blown argument?
It usually starts when someone says, “I’m right.” Suddenly, the other person feels the need to prove they’re right, too—and things spiral from there.
But what if we didn’t treat disagreements like battles to win, but like opportunities to understand each other better?
Let’s explore how shifting our mindset—especially in relationships—can turn tension into connection.
The Classic 6 vs. 9: A Tiny Example with a Big Message
Imagine two people looking at the same symbol on a table. One says, “That’s a 6.” The other says, “No, it’s clearly a 9.”
Who’s right?
They both are. They’re just seeing it from different angles.
This little puzzle shows up all the time in relationships. Early on—say, during the honeymoon phase—we’re naturally curious. We ask questions, we want to understand how the other person sees the world.
But over time, something shifts. We start needing to be right, and curiosity can turn into conflict. It’s not the difference itself that causes tension—it’s how we handle the difference.
Why We Argue Instead of Understand
Here are a few reasons we get stuck:
We tie being right to our identity. If I’m wrong, who am I?
We think it’s all or nothing. Either you agree with me, or you’re against me.
We feel threatened. If someone sees it differently, it can feel personal.
We fill in blanks with assumptions. And those assumptions harden our stance.
We rush. In the heat of the moment, quick defenses take over. Curiosity disappears.
Sound familiar? The good news is, we can shift out of that mode. It just takes a bit of practice.
Try This Instead: Ask to Learn, Not to Win
Next time you feel yourself digging in, try this simple 6-step approach:
Pause and name it.
“I notice we’re seeing this differently. I want to understand your view.”Use “I” statements.
“I think I’m seeing a 6, but I want to hear what makes you see a 9.”Ask open-ended questions.
“What details are you noticing that I might be missing?”Reflect back what you hear.
“So you’re saying this shape looks like a tail to you—that makes sense from your angle.”Find shared ground.
“Can we agree on what we’re both seeing, even if we describe it differently?”If needed, agree to disagree—kindly.
“We may not see it the same way, and that’s okay. What matters is feeling respected.”
This isn’t about being passive or avoiding conflict. It’s about staying connected even during conflict.
Real-Life Example: The 6 vs. 9 Conversation
Here’s how this might sound:
A: “I think that’s a 6. See how the bottom curves?”
B: “Hmm. From here, it looks like a 9 to me.”
A: “Oh, I can see that. What part of it makes it look like a 9?”
B: “From my angle, the curve looks like the top of a 9, and the tail’s pointing left.”
A: “Interesting. I guess we’re both seeing the same shape, just from different spots.”
B: “Exactly. Let’s describe what we’re seeing without labeling it for a minute.”
Together: “Let’s keep exploring—maybe we’ll both learn something new.”
Simple curiosity. Big difference.
Tips to Keep Conversations Constructive
Try saying:
“Help me understand how you see this.”
“What’s most important to you about this?”
“I might be missing something—can you help me see it?”
Avoid saying:
“You’re wrong.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“That’s not true.”
It’s not about censoring yourself. It’s about keeping the door open for dialogue instead of slamming it shut.
Want to Practice? Try These Exercises
Two Perspectives
Each person shares their view while the other listens and repeats back what they heard—no interruptions.
6/9 Reframe
Describe what you see in a situation, then swap perspectives and describe it from the other person’s point of view.Identify the Need
Ask: “What need of mine is tied to this view?” (Maybe it’s feeling safe, heard, or respected.)Look for Win-Win
Instead of proving who’s right, ask: “What would feel good for both of us in this moment?”
Final Thought: Curiosity Over Certainty
The real turning point in a relationship isn’t whether you see a 6 or a 9. It’s how you handle the moment when you see it differently.
Being curious instead of certain builds trust. It keeps the relationship growing, even when it’s uncomfortable.
You don’t have to agree on everything. But if you can learn from each other, you’ve already won.
Quick Takeaway
Disagreement is normal. The goal isn’t to “win” but to understand.
Ask questions that invite openness, not defensiveness.
Focus on needs and shared meaning—not just the label.
Turn tension into a chance to grow together.
Your turn:
What’s one disagreement you and your partner have turned into a learning moment? Share below—I’d love to hear your story.